Since the death of my father, last November, I have been struggling with my faith. No, let me rephrase that: my faith is intact–I still pray, I still believe and I still feel close to God, but I am having real difficulty with getting to church.
This issue seems to have started when my father was ill.
We moved my parents from their house of 39 years to our town and into an apartment back in 2006. That’s when everything changed.
I left my job working for a small distributor because I was not happy there, but also so I would be available to help out my parents and to give my mom some much needed time out and away from caregiving.
I am one who definitely believes the commandment, “Honour your Father and Mother”, but I have really found it difficult to see my life change so much.
My husband and I have no children and our life was pretty well-ordered until it became necessary to move my parents. Now that my father is gone, my mom is our total responsibility. Although she isn’t ill or frail, she does demand our attention in various ways and for various needs. She is also a person who is not the easiest to get on with. Some days I just can’t face dealing with her, if I’m honest.
Through all of this, sleep has become a huge issue for both my husband and for me. I can’t remember the last time either of us had a truly deep and long, refreshing sleep. My husband is on medication and I often have to resort to an over-the-counter tablet to get to sleep.
This means, by the time we get to Sunday morning, often we are just beat and getting up the energy to go to mass is next to impossible.
We say our prayers every night before we go to sleep and our faith is what rules our lives, but sadly, the act of going to mass to give thanks in person to our God, is falling by the wayside.
A few weeks ago, the priest spoke about not attending mass and I almost felt as if he was looking directly at me. I had every intention of making good the following week, but it was Father’s Day and I just couldn’t face it at church since it was the first Father’s Day without my own father. I know my dad is probably disappointed at the way I’m handling things. I wish I could do something about it, but it feels almost insurmountable.
Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? Or perhaps, someone is out there who has overcome these feelings and returned to regular church-attendance?
I would sincerely appreciate your thoughts.
Peace,
Beatasum





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